Christmas

Today I sit and contemplate Christmas. For so many of my childhood years I don't remember Christmas as being a good time of year. Christmas falls at the end of the month and we never had money at the end of the month. Maybe that is why I try to over do things on Christmas. This year, like last year, I cannot do that. I have let my self-discipline slide and finances are in a mess. I have to buckle down and the kids aren't going to be happy but They are 17 and 14. They will get over it. I have a few things for my eldest daughter and we are not opening gifts at my house until after my son comes home so that gives me a little time to actually buy some gifts but I have come to question the whole Christmas experience. What are the gifts supposed to represent actually? I kow that the gifts in the Bible were gifts of wealth but our society has commercialized Christmas to the point that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I am thankful that I have my family and I have a roof over my head but I really have to buckle down and get myself straight. You'd think that with the amount of money that we bring in each month between mother, Karl, and I, that finances wouldn't be a problem. I just don't manage it properly I suppose.

Men!!

What is up with men these days? Where are the good ones? Let me give you a little background... I had recently deleted all of my online dating site profiles and had decided to leave things in The Lord's hands. I figured that if He wanted me to find someone to be with as a life partner, then He would see that our paths crossed. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I get a message from Ollie636 off of PlentyOfFish.com. I had forgotten that I even had a profile there and hadn't deleted it. No picture on his profile but that was ok. We exchange a few messages thre and it leads to texting and calling each other, just for ease of conversation. Then, he starts pushing things. Dropping little hints; for example, I was trying to get off the phone one night and told him that I needed to get ready for bed. He made the comment, "I am already in bed. And I'm naked. What do you think about that?" I replied that it was his house and he could do what he wanted but I didn't necessarily need to know that he was naked. He turned pouty and started asking things like "What, don't you want to see? Aren't you wondering what 'it' looks like?" I promptly told him that NO, I wasn't curious about it and for him to "have fun" and I hung up the phone. Two days later he sends me a text message apologizing for what he said and asking me to talk to him. I told him that I didn't appreciate things like that and he said it wouldn't happen again. Time rolls on and things start getting weird again. He sends "good morning" texts and if I don't respond, he will send "I'm thinking about you". If I still don't respond then he sends a text around lunch. He will send things like "u tired of me?"; "don't you want to talk to me?"; "U don't like me anymore"; "Y don't you like me?"; and that kind of thing. Then he calls. He has asked me to "talk dirty to him", which I am not comfortable doing with someone that I have never met in person, or to send him "hot" pictures of myself. I put my foot down and told him that if he couldn't keep his conversations at a g-rated level, then he needed to find someone else to bother. I hear nothing for a coupld of days and then he texted me last night. I was driving and really couldn't talk or text at the time. He asked if I was tired of him. I replied that I was just tired, and that I was driving. His response was "call". 10 minutes later, he sends "u not want to talk?" I was still driving so I didn't respond. 5 minutes later he sends "Hey???" I still didn't respond. I got a text similar to those for the next five minutes - about one per minute. Finally, my daughter grabbed my phone and sent this message. "Heyy...look my mother is driving and she can not talk at the present moment... so please leave her the hell alone for the next 45 minutes so that we may get home safely.. thank you and have a nice day!!" He responded "Well, OK??" She sent to him "This is her daughter by the way.. didn't mean to be mean its just I'd rather get home safely." I got a "good morning" this morning but haven't responded. Is it just me or does this come across as manipulative and controlling and just plain needy? I don't need this kind of crap in my life. This is why I ask where all the good men have gone. The ones that know how to romance a woman, how to court a woman, how to be independent and not have to know where you are every second of every day. I am of the opinion that they are few and far between though.

Dreary

I am SO not feeling being here today. I am tired and just feel bleah... I think it's the overcast weather and the cold. Today would be a good day to curl up by the fire and have a good bowl of Homemade chili and a good book.

AARRGGHH!!

So.. My daughter, who at the ripe old age of 17, has decided that she has found the "one" she is going to spend the rest of her life with and is going to marry the day she turns 18, has now asked me if he can move in with us. Umm... How many ways can I say NO? Besides the fact that I feel like I would be assisting in her moral decline, and that as her mother I have a deep innate aversion to this, I have more than enough people in my house, so much so that I am looking for a larger place to live so that we all have a bedroom. I am sharing a room with my mother, and my brother is sleeping on the couch for crying out loud. I don't have room to put up a Christmas Tree because there is so much stuff thre and you can't walk around. I have had enough!

Sickness....

I hate being sick.  Mom went to church this morning and I stayed home in bed. She is picking me up some Orange Juice and a box of Clementines. My throat feels like I have swallowed razors, or shards of glass, anf I just feel bleah in general.  Going to stay in bed today and rest and make sure I can get to work the rest of the week.

From my other blog......

This post is from my other blog. Typos and all. LOL :) "April 2012... Sometimes I wonder, when I look back on my life, how things would be if I had made different choices; if events had played out differently. And then sometimes, for a BRIEF moment, I just want it all to be over - to just fall into unconsciousness or whatever; where I don't have to think, to struggle, to FEEL, to remember ... and then I think about not ever hugging my children again, not ever hearing them laugh again, or worse, them being scattered to the four winds and not ever seeing each other again, and I think ro myself "you selfish bitch". I'm just so damn tired of my life being HARD. Stuggling to pay bills, living in run down houses, not having nice things, seemingly not being able to keep a job... sometimes it feels like the cards are stacked against me. I am intelligent. I am not afraid of work. I have accomplished things in my life. For frying out loud I was a PRESENTER at tue American Psychological Association's National convention as an UNDERGRADUATE for research that I did! That stands for something doesn't it? But why don't employers see that? They look at my work history, which looks spotty because it is, and don't want to hire me. Without a job, I am destined for the Welfare merry-go-round I am afraid, and I don't even want to think about retirement. I won't have anything to retire ON. I'll be one of those senior citizens that you read about that eats dog food because they can't afford groceries and lives in the projects. Ok. Rant is over. Time to focus on what is in front of me. Ttfn.. "

Escape...

Found this as I was cleaning out my briefcase. I wrote this while I was in Tennessee this past weekend. 11/11/2012 Here I am.. Gatlinburg, TN.. I didn't bring a journal so I am writing this on a legal pad. I have needed this escape for a long time I think. This weekend has been fun, relaxing, challenging,and I am glad I came. It has been a joy getting to know new people, getting to know new friends better, and exploring a new place. I think I would have enjoyed it more if Mark had been able to come but I am not sure about that either. Sandra has someone that she wants to introduce me to after this trip but I'll have to wait and see about that as well. I am here, surrounded by beauty, and yet I am restless and bored - and lonely. I am in a house full of people and I am lonely. I want someone to sit on the porch with and cuddle. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I focus on what I do not have instead of what I do have? Lisa and Sherri are sitting and drinking their mimosas and talking about school and what they will do when they get home, and what they will do on the way home. I don't have a friend like that. I think I would be happier if I just had a friend that I could call and go have a drink with. Betsy would certainly but I have invited her to a couple of events and even on this trip and she has cancelled on me. She is either sick or something. Maybe Sandra could become that kind of friend. I am fairly sure that, if I lived closer, Michelle would be, or could be, but she is in Indiana. Maybe, as several people have told me, I just need to become comfortable with my own company before I can be comfortable with the company of others - without there being a romantic interest. It is an idea worth considering. In the meantime, I am going to sit here and enjoy this gorgeous morning and listen to the wind in the trees, the birds singing, and just enjoy feeling the sun on my face.

My Adult ADD

Well of course it hasn't been a daily post!  Such is my life.  My house is a wreck, the carpets need to be cleaned (I have to get them cleaned OFF before I can shampoo them though!), the car is acting funny and I have paperwork everywhere.  But you know what?  I got out of bed on my own, dressed myself, my back doesn't hurt (right now anyway), and I am loving this weather.

Trying to figure out where to get started on my house.  It is like a ball of yarn..  or a tangle maybe.  I just have to pick a place and get started.  Maybe I need to approach it as if it isn't MY house. I always seem to do better at someone else's house.  That might just be the ticket.  Sit down and make a plan as if it isn't my house and my mess. That actually sounds like a good idea.  Develop solutions and an action plan as though it isn't for me.  The problem then becomes me...  do I have the discipline and determination to stick to my plan?  We shall see.

Well, here it is. I had said I was going to start a blog but I wasn't sure what I was going to write about. I still am not and this blog may wander about quite a bit. I think I want to try and discover why I am the way I am, what I can do to change it, and just how I go about starting this sort of self therapy. Because that is what I see this as 0 a form of self therapy. All I know at this point in my life is that I am dissatisfied with who I am, the way I look, how much weight I've gained, my current living situation, and the lack of a sense of purpose in my life. These are the things that I need to change and I have to take them one at a time. So, I will try to post every day but that may not be possible as my schedule can get very wacky sometimes. Come on this journey with me?