April Fools Day

Not sure why I am in the mood that I am in today.  Yesterday was great, got to spend time with friend, had wonderful food, and great conversations.  Today, I had to go in to have a fasting blood draw done so they could check my blood sugar and Thyroid panel.  Just have had a really cruddy day and not real sure why.  Feel blah and not really "with it".  At this point, I would really like to be curled up in a lounge chair or in a bed somewhere ALONE...  HA! Like that is going to happen.  Not at my house.  I can't even go to my room and shut my door because I don't have my own room anymore. That is the real rub.  I am scheduled for a trip towards the end of this month and I CAN'T WAIT.  I am going with a couple of friends but at the cabin, we will each have OUR OWN ROOM..  I didn't realize how much I missed my privacy.  And quiet...  it is never quiet at my house..  Ha..  my house..  I am not even referring to it as "home" anymore.  It doesn't feel like home anymore.  Maybe that is what is bothering me.

Heart Issues

Suffice to say that I am very nervous about having this echocardiogram done.  I know that Congestive Heart Failure is a manageable condition and that it is unlikely that I have it due to my age...   BUT...  it would be a life changing condition for me.  I prefer to stay active, to stay in control. I wouldn't be in control of this. I have noticed since tey have mentioned this that my chest is hurting now more than I've noticed before. Placebo effect? Maybe.  I've been told to watch my stress level.  Sure, I am watching it skyrocket. I've been told I need to lose 30 pounds and then we will re-evaluate the weight I should be.  I've been trying to lose weight. I could understand if I ate chocolate and junk all the time.  I am actually putting on more weight now than I did when I would sit and eat a quart of ice cream at a time!  I will keep everyone posted but I am very nervous about this test. Please Pray.

So, this is my first blog post from my new laptop.  I can never thank my friend enough for this.  It is not a super fancy one but it is more than enough for what I use it for.  I am still hurting a bit from my fall this past Monday.  It's hard because if I sit still as the doctor suggested, I get stiff and it seems to hurt so much more. (Squirrel moment:  It's hard to type on this laptop.  I am too accustomed to raised keys I suppose.)  But it seems to be getting better.  It was just such a shock to hear that I am already in the beginning stages of Osteoporosis. I am only 46 for crying out loud!  I shouldn't be there already.  But at least I know so that I can take steps to prevent it from progressing.  The other shock was stepping on the scale.  I have broken the 200 pound threshold.  Not by much but by enough.  That was a real surprise.  I have got to do something.  I am going to do a modified Atkins diet, just start cutting carbs and sugars.  My doctor has wanted me to lose weight for forever.  I have got to try to do something.  I am twice what I weighed when I got out of high school.  So I will be watching my foods and eating a lot more meats and nuts.  So, keep me in your prayers and hopefully I can get this weight off. I've been doing a lot of praying recently.  It has seemed so much like God has abandoned me these past couple of years.  So much has happened.  My divorce, being laid off, the whole fiasco with Morgan and what happened to her, my truck being stolen, Mom's accident, having to move her in with me, and now this fall.  They say that The Lord will not put more on you than you can handle. I just know that it seems like He has tried to bend me double.  I think that is why I've been questioning so much.  It didn't seem like there was any point to what He was putting me through. But this past couple of years has shown me that I can be resourceful, I am resilient, and I can take care of myself and don't need someone to take care of me.  I have been blessed with that knowledge.  I still don't see a problem with burning a candle while I pray; it helps me to focus my thoughts and my intent.  I have been reading my Bible a lot lately and that is helping. 

Doing my best to try and stay focused on getting my housecleaned up and organized.  That is one of my resolutions for New Year's.  I have to get this house cleaned up.  It is embarrassing for e to have people over.  My friend Leo said not to worry about how "disorganize" house it, but it does bother me.  I may not have the nicest place to live in, and it may need repairs, but it can at least be clean.  It is just a matter of too many people, too much stuff, and not enough space.  I want to change out the bed in my son's room to bunk beds, a twin over a futon, so that my brother can stop sleeping on the couch and my son can get to bed at a decent hour. That way he can get the sleep he needs  and  not be up all night. Of course, if I can find a place large enough for all of us to live, it would be a moot point.  They would each have their own rooms.  But I am not sure when that will be.  I have to get finances under control and start saving money for deposits and such.  Just have to get things worked out.  God will provide the place for us when it is time. 

Well, my medicine is starting to kick in - starting to feel a bit loopy.  So I am going to conclude this for now.  Talk to you all later!

New Year's Resolutions...

Life. Have you ever just sat down and thought about life? Why are we here? What is our purpose? Is there a meaning for our existence? Is there meaning for us being here? Humans, that is. These are the weird questions that I come up with when I have down time at work; that surely there is more to my life and existence than to get in my car, drive an hour, sit in a chair, and make phone calls all day. And I do this just so I can drive home, deal with kids and everything else, and go to bed so I can get up the next day and do it all over again. Do you ever wonder if there is more than this? Do you ever wonder why? Why the struggle, why the fight. Or for that matter, why the laughter and joy and all the other emotions that we feel as humans? Do animals feel the same way? Do they have emotions like we do? I like to think so. I believe that they do. It is obvious that a dog misses its master or mistress, that they grieve, that they feel loyalty and adoration, perchance even love. I believe that all animals have some measure of feelings. Elephants will group around a dying herd member and will not leave until they are totally gone. They often will travel many miles to get to a certain place before they die. Who is to say that is not some level of intelligence? Dogs can be trained but they have to have intelligence to be able to remember. They may not have short term memory but they do have long term memory and can make associations. They even communicate to a degree – scratching at the door to let you know that they want to go outside or placing a paw upon your knee to get your attention. Cats too will demand attention. I know that when my cat Shadow comes to bed at night and nuzzles my face and then curls up beside my head and goes to sleep that he is expressing his feelings towards me in the only way he knows how. And when my dog comes to me to hold her when she is scared and it’s thundering outside and she wants comfort, she is also expressing a level of trust and love – knowing that I will hold her and help to calm her fears. But humans – we are another story. Animals sometimes react on an instinctive level and humans are guilty of that as well. But we have developed free will and a thinking intelligence. But what is our purpose? Our true purpose? To destroy this beautiful world that we live on with our cars and emissions and our materialistic lifestyles? To interact with one another in harmony and mercy and grace? To compete and fight for resources until we are the last one standing? I don’t know the answer, and don’t pretend to know the answer. I have been doing some soul searching and introspection lately and the closest thing I have found to getting an answer came from somewhere that I never thought it would. I was reading on Christian Wicca. This subject has intrigued me now and I will be doing some more reading. During my reading, one part really and truly stuck with me. It is part of the Wiccan Rede. “An it harm none, do what you will.” Basically it means that you do what makes you happy and fulfilled provided that you are not harming anyone or anything. That you reap what you sow, treat nature gently and kindly and you shall have what you want, treat people gently and kindly and they will reciprocate. I am not naïve enough to think that everyone will be so gentle and kind and not take advantage of me but This is my New Year’s Resolution. An it harm none, do what you will. Blessed Be!

Christmas

Today I sit and contemplate Christmas. For so many of my childhood years I don't remember Christmas as being a good time of year. Christmas falls at the end of the month and we never had money at the end of the month. Maybe that is why I try to over do things on Christmas. This year, like last year, I cannot do that. I have let my self-discipline slide and finances are in a mess. I have to buckle down and the kids aren't going to be happy but They are 17 and 14. They will get over it. I have a few things for my eldest daughter and we are not opening gifts at my house until after my son comes home so that gives me a little time to actually buy some gifts but I have come to question the whole Christmas experience. What are the gifts supposed to represent actually? I kow that the gifts in the Bible were gifts of wealth but our society has commercialized Christmas to the point that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I am thankful that I have my family and I have a roof over my head but I really have to buckle down and get myself straight. You'd think that with the amount of money that we bring in each month between mother, Karl, and I, that finances wouldn't be a problem. I just don't manage it properly I suppose.

Men!!

What is up with men these days? Where are the good ones? Let me give you a little background... I had recently deleted all of my online dating site profiles and had decided to leave things in The Lord's hands. I figured that if He wanted me to find someone to be with as a life partner, then He would see that our paths crossed. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I get a message from Ollie636 off of PlentyOfFish.com. I had forgotten that I even had a profile there and hadn't deleted it. No picture on his profile but that was ok. We exchange a few messages thre and it leads to texting and calling each other, just for ease of conversation. Then, he starts pushing things. Dropping little hints; for example, I was trying to get off the phone one night and told him that I needed to get ready for bed. He made the comment, "I am already in bed. And I'm naked. What do you think about that?" I replied that it was his house and he could do what he wanted but I didn't necessarily need to know that he was naked. He turned pouty and started asking things like "What, don't you want to see? Aren't you wondering what 'it' looks like?" I promptly told him that NO, I wasn't curious about it and for him to "have fun" and I hung up the phone. Two days later he sends me a text message apologizing for what he said and asking me to talk to him. I told him that I didn't appreciate things like that and he said it wouldn't happen again. Time rolls on and things start getting weird again. He sends "good morning" texts and if I don't respond, he will send "I'm thinking about you". If I still don't respond then he sends a text around lunch. He will send things like "u tired of me?"; "don't you want to talk to me?"; "U don't like me anymore"; "Y don't you like me?"; and that kind of thing. Then he calls. He has asked me to "talk dirty to him", which I am not comfortable doing with someone that I have never met in person, or to send him "hot" pictures of myself. I put my foot down and told him that if he couldn't keep his conversations at a g-rated level, then he needed to find someone else to bother. I hear nothing for a coupld of days and then he texted me last night. I was driving and really couldn't talk or text at the time. He asked if I was tired of him. I replied that I was just tired, and that I was driving. His response was "call". 10 minutes later, he sends "u not want to talk?" I was still driving so I didn't respond. 5 minutes later he sends "Hey???" I still didn't respond. I got a text similar to those for the next five minutes - about one per minute. Finally, my daughter grabbed my phone and sent this message. "Heyy...look my mother is driving and she can not talk at the present moment... so please leave her the hell alone for the next 45 minutes so that we may get home safely.. thank you and have a nice day!!" He responded "Well, OK??" She sent to him "This is her daughter by the way.. didn't mean to be mean its just I'd rather get home safely." I got a "good morning" this morning but haven't responded. Is it just me or does this come across as manipulative and controlling and just plain needy? I don't need this kind of crap in my life. This is why I ask where all the good men have gone. The ones that know how to romance a woman, how to court a woman, how to be independent and not have to know where you are every second of every day. I am of the opinion that they are few and far between though.

Dreary

I am SO not feeling being here today. I am tired and just feel bleah... I think it's the overcast weather and the cold. Today would be a good day to curl up by the fire and have a good bowl of Homemade chili and a good book.