So, this is my first blog post from my new laptop.  I can never thank my friend enough for this.  It is not a super fancy one but it is more than enough for what I use it for.  I am still hurting a bit from my fall this past Monday.  It's hard because if I sit still as the doctor suggested, I get stiff and it seems to hurt so much more. (Squirrel moment:  It's hard to type on this laptop.  I am too accustomed to raised keys I suppose.)  But it seems to be getting better.  It was just such a shock to hear that I am already in the beginning stages of Osteoporosis. I am only 46 for crying out loud!  I shouldn't be there already.  But at least I know so that I can take steps to prevent it from progressing.  The other shock was stepping on the scale.  I have broken the 200 pound threshold.  Not by much but by enough.  That was a real surprise.  I have got to do something.  I am going to do a modified Atkins diet, just start cutting carbs and sugars.  My doctor has wanted me to lose weight for forever.  I have got to try to do something.  I am twice what I weighed when I got out of high school.  So I will be watching my foods and eating a lot more meats and nuts.  So, keep me in your prayers and hopefully I can get this weight off. I've been doing a lot of praying recently.  It has seemed so much like God has abandoned me these past couple of years.  So much has happened.  My divorce, being laid off, the whole fiasco with Morgan and what happened to her, my truck being stolen, Mom's accident, having to move her in with me, and now this fall.  They say that The Lord will not put more on you than you can handle. I just know that it seems like He has tried to bend me double.  I think that is why I've been questioning so much.  It didn't seem like there was any point to what He was putting me through. But this past couple of years has shown me that I can be resourceful, I am resilient, and I can take care of myself and don't need someone to take care of me.  I have been blessed with that knowledge.  I still don't see a problem with burning a candle while I pray; it helps me to focus my thoughts and my intent.  I have been reading my Bible a lot lately and that is helping. 

Doing my best to try and stay focused on getting my housecleaned up and organized.  That is one of my resolutions for New Year's.  I have to get this house cleaned up.  It is embarrassing for e to have people over.  My friend Leo said not to worry about how "disorganize" house it, but it does bother me.  I may not have the nicest place to live in, and it may need repairs, but it can at least be clean.  It is just a matter of too many people, too much stuff, and not enough space.  I want to change out the bed in my son's room to bunk beds, a twin over a futon, so that my brother can stop sleeping on the couch and my son can get to bed at a decent hour. That way he can get the sleep he needs  and  not be up all night. Of course, if I can find a place large enough for all of us to live, it would be a moot point.  They would each have their own rooms.  But I am not sure when that will be.  I have to get finances under control and start saving money for deposits and such.  Just have to get things worked out.  God will provide the place for us when it is time. 

Well, my medicine is starting to kick in - starting to feel a bit loopy.  So I am going to conclude this for now.  Talk to you all later!

New Year's Resolutions...

Life. Have you ever just sat down and thought about life? Why are we here? What is our purpose? Is there a meaning for our existence? Is there meaning for us being here? Humans, that is. These are the weird questions that I come up with when I have down time at work; that surely there is more to my life and existence than to get in my car, drive an hour, sit in a chair, and make phone calls all day. And I do this just so I can drive home, deal with kids and everything else, and go to bed so I can get up the next day and do it all over again. Do you ever wonder if there is more than this? Do you ever wonder why? Why the struggle, why the fight. Or for that matter, why the laughter and joy and all the other emotions that we feel as humans? Do animals feel the same way? Do they have emotions like we do? I like to think so. I believe that they do. It is obvious that a dog misses its master or mistress, that they grieve, that they feel loyalty and adoration, perchance even love. I believe that all animals have some measure of feelings. Elephants will group around a dying herd member and will not leave until they are totally gone. They often will travel many miles to get to a certain place before they die. Who is to say that is not some level of intelligence? Dogs can be trained but they have to have intelligence to be able to remember. They may not have short term memory but they do have long term memory and can make associations. They even communicate to a degree – scratching at the door to let you know that they want to go outside or placing a paw upon your knee to get your attention. Cats too will demand attention. I know that when my cat Shadow comes to bed at night and nuzzles my face and then curls up beside my head and goes to sleep that he is expressing his feelings towards me in the only way he knows how. And when my dog comes to me to hold her when she is scared and it’s thundering outside and she wants comfort, she is also expressing a level of trust and love – knowing that I will hold her and help to calm her fears. But humans – we are another story. Animals sometimes react on an instinctive level and humans are guilty of that as well. But we have developed free will and a thinking intelligence. But what is our purpose? Our true purpose? To destroy this beautiful world that we live on with our cars and emissions and our materialistic lifestyles? To interact with one another in harmony and mercy and grace? To compete and fight for resources until we are the last one standing? I don’t know the answer, and don’t pretend to know the answer. I have been doing some soul searching and introspection lately and the closest thing I have found to getting an answer came from somewhere that I never thought it would. I was reading on Christian Wicca. This subject has intrigued me now and I will be doing some more reading. During my reading, one part really and truly stuck with me. It is part of the Wiccan Rede. “An it harm none, do what you will.” Basically it means that you do what makes you happy and fulfilled provided that you are not harming anyone or anything. That you reap what you sow, treat nature gently and kindly and you shall have what you want, treat people gently and kindly and they will reciprocate. I am not naïve enough to think that everyone will be so gentle and kind and not take advantage of me but This is my New Year’s Resolution. An it harm none, do what you will. Blessed Be!