Wednesday, December 5, 2012
AARRGGHH!!
So.. My daughter, who at the ripe old age of 17, has decided that she has found the "one" she is going to spend the rest of her life with and is going to marry the day she turns 18, has now asked me if he can move in with us. Umm... How many ways can I say NO? Besides the fact that I feel like I would be assisting in her moral decline, and that as her mother I have a deep innate aversion to this, I have more than enough people in my house, so much so that I am looking for a larger place to live so that we all have a bedroom. I am sharing a room with my mother, and my brother is sleeping on the couch for crying out loud. I don't have room to put up a Christmas Tree because there is so much stuff thre and you can't walk around. I have had enough!
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This is not even a moral issue. It is a common sense issue. If your daughter did move in with "the one" at 18, she is more than likely to be pregnant within a year of that "relationship." Any man who wants to marry your daughter needs to have a job and to be able to take care of a wife. What is wrong with these kids thinking that they can bring home these boys for their mums to support.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree Allison. I've told her know and I have spoken with the boyfriend and he had no clue that she was going to say anything (or at least that is what he told me and he hasn't given me reason to doubt him yet). This is all coming out of her little head. What she does when she turns 18 is on her as she can go and get married, legally, at that age. But I have told her that if she chooses to do that, she will no longer live in my home, I will no longer support her, and I will not be a loan or taxi service for her. I am at my wit's end with this girl and wash my hands of it. I've talked till I am blue in the face and nothing I do as far as discipline or punishment has taken effect, nor shown any effect. I'm done. It may sound cold and callous but if she thinks that she is that much of an adult, let her experience the cold cruel world and find out that she is not as mature and capable as she thinks she is. Or she can prove me wrong and show that she is. I don't know. I don't know what else to do at this point.
ReplyDeleteI take it from what you have mentioned how this girl has been a lot of trouble? Please forgive me if I am mistaken. You do sound like you have had more than enough and have dealt with a lot of nonsense from your daughter.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I see a lot of that in Alabama: girls willing to get married right after they graduate Holtville High School. I like Alabama. What I don't like is how so many young women are willing to limit themselves in life by going down to the Elmore County Courthouse to marry the first person who asks when there is no real life experience or continuing education. I am sure you have spoken to your daughter about these issues.
Counselling often does not solve this sort of problem. A person has his/her temperament when s/he is born. Changing it is often a futile attempt. Directing someone to not take a poor choice in life can be done but the other person has to want it.
Your daughter may have to be one of those people who has to learn everything the hard way. The times are different, though. Financial recovery is not the same as it was in "the old days." A person who made mistakes at a younger age could reinvent themselves in my era. Not anymore. Your daughter has no idea how she can be stuck with her mistakes now with no real way out.
You are not cold or callous by letting your daughter know that you will not financially enable her or be a taxi service. If she wants marriage, she will have to live as an adult and accept the consequences of her choices. If she has a baby, PLEASE do not hinder your life by being a babysitter or possibly a guardian for the child. YOUR own life will be hindered if you get involved in that one.
She has been informed on that matter as well Allison. I gave her a list of things that I would NOT do, as well as a list of things I WOULD do.
ReplyDeleteWill NOT: be a taxi service, loan company. boarding house, marriage counselor, babysitter, bail bondsman, housekeeper, cook, or laundromat
I WILL: love her - she is my daughter; be a good grandmother to any children she may bear; be a cheerleader if she decides to go to college; encourage her to be herself; take her to rehab and pay for it IT she comes to me and admits that she has gotten in trouble and wants to change (but I will only do that once - if she relapses, I will take her but I won't pay for it); and pray for her.
She is my daughter and I love her but she has decided that it is time for her to be an adult and Nothing I have said has changed her mind. In a few months she will be an adult. After that point, I cannot do anything about it but set my boundaries and be the best mother I can be within those boundaries. I still have a child at home that needs me, as well as an aging parent and special needs brother that need me as well.
Setting boundaries is very important. Too many of this generation of children are too used to their parents bailing them out of their bad choices. Many women in my age bracket or older are in a financial quandary due to supporting grandchildren that their daughters refuse to take care of. It is a bad situation all around. You are wise to make it clear to your daughter that she is not going to fall back with you enabling her.
DeleteI know from experience. I was seeing a boy whom my grandparents did not approve of from age 17-19. I had honestly wanted to get away from this boy, who was two years older, but did not know how. I thought he was the best I could do. Fast forward to age 19 when my grandfather and I had an argument over this moron. Well, I married the jackass. It was known up front to NOT expect any financial support from family. I was working a minimum wage job and knew I would never get anywhere. Eight days later, this husband tried to strangle me. I left and left for good.
This boy being abusive was the best thing that happened because it made me leave for good. My mother paid for the divorce, which was cheap in those days (1983) because I did not even have to go to court for this thing since it was only an 8/day wonderless event. I was told that there would not be that support again if I did such a thing.
I am glad there were no wedding gifts or envelopes of money after that travesty of a ceremony at the Contra Costa County Courthouse in Martinez, CA. Had my family enabled me, I doubt I would be who I am today. I probably would have stayed married to that deadbeat and had been the one who have birthed his three kids rather than a woman he later met. I have a good life and am grateful for it. It is harder for young people to "reinvent" themselves in this era after a horrible choice.
I do hope your daughter does understand that she does not know it all once her 18th birthday hits.
Is there another adult whom your daughter can talk to?
ReplyDeleteMy mom has tried to talk to her but I don't really know anyone else that she's listen to. She's just going to have to learn.
DeleteOften, people have to learn the hard lessons of life. Kids think they know it all and that the adults are dumb. They also have this mistaken belief of how "love will conquer all" or they do not need money since they have "love." Love does not pay the bills and love is often gone when there is no money. Romantic love usually dies out after two years. It is a rush of our endorphins when we think we are in love. After two years once the rush has worn off, it is actual work to keep a marriage together.
DeleteDoes your daughter realise that what she wants now is not what she will want when she is 30? I cannot imagine being with any of my boyfriends from my youth. I see them on Facebook and most are not doing well and have a life that does not appeal to me.
I have tried explaining all that to her but she won't listen. She thinks that she and her boyfriend are just like my eldest daughter. She started dating her husband in the 8th grade and they married right out of high school (They eloped). They have been married ever since. They will celebrate their 11th anniversary next year and have been together for 16 or 17 years. I have tried and tried to tell my younger daughter that her sister is THE EXCEPTION and NOT the rule but she won't listen.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for your eldest daughter's anniversary. Your younger daughter is probably clueless re: the struggles her sister and brother-in-law have had. Most young marriages do not work and your older daughter's was an exception. There are too many changes a person goes through during their 20's. Not earning enough money after graduating high school does not add much to a marriage.
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